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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* Welcome to the Laughing Gas Newsletter! *
* A free and clean comedy newsletter sent *
* to e-mail subscribers five times a week *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* Vol. 2, Issue 3: Wed, Jul. 26, 2000 *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* Joke newsletter issued by Aha! Jokes
# I N T O D A Y ' S I S S U E
1. Cards You'll Never See In Hallmark
2. Rich Man Getting a New Heart
3. Three guys in prison
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# J O K E S F O R T O D A Y
1. Cards You'll Never See In Hallmark
"Looking back over the years that we've
been together, I can't help but wonder:
What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you...
have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to
hold, someone to love......... After
having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in
my life... I never believed in Hell
until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how
lucky I am....... that you're not here
to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all
the gifts you've given me. Like the need
for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out
of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married.......
but not to you."
"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said
you'd die for me......... Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept
your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would
leave me for my best friend....... So here's
his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time.
What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you.............
It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were
on a sinking ship and there was only one
life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and
think of you often."
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2. Rich Man Getting a New Heart
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's
going to die if he doesn't get a new heart
soon.
The old man tells the doctor to search
the world for the best heart available,
money is no object. A few days later the
doctor calls the old man and says he has
found three hearts but they are all
expensive.
The old man reminds the doctor that he is
filthy rich and implores him to tell him
about the donors they came from.
'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year
old marathon runner, never smoked, ate
only the most healthy foods, was in peak
condition when he was hit by a bus. No
damage to the heart, of course. But it
costs $100,000!'
The old man, waving off the last part
about the cost, asks the doctor to tell
him about the second donor.
'This one belonged to a 16 year old
long-distance swimmer, high school kid.
Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his
head on the side of the pool. That
heart'll set you back $150,000!'
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about
the third heart?'
'Well this one belonged to a
58 year-old man, smoked three packs of
cigarettes a day, weighed over 300
pounds, never exercised, drank like a
fish... this heart is going for
$500,000!!!'
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man
exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'
'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart
belonged to a lawyer, so it was
never used!'
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3. Three guys in prison
Three guys are convicted of a very
serious crime,and they're all sentenced
to twenty years in solitary confinement.
They're each allowed one thing to bring
into the cell with them.
The first guy asks for a big stack of
books.
The second guy asks for his wife.
And the third guy asks for two hundred
cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they
open up the first guy's cell. He comes
out and says, "I studied so hard.
I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer.
It was terrific."
They open up the second guy's door.
He comes out with his wife, and they've
got five new kids. He says. "It was the
greatest thing of my life. My wife and
I have never been so close. I have a
beautiful new family. I love it."
They open up the third guy's door, and
he's slapping at his pockets, going
"Anybody got a match?"
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# S I T E L I N K S
Web site: Http://www.AhaJokes.com/
Terms: Http://www.AhaJokes.com/terms.html
Contact: Webmaster@AhaJokes.com
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