Political Jokes

Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?

A: Punch him in the nose.




Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?

A: They both look like the work of a butcher.




Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?

A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.




Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?

A: He won't pay her $300.




Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?

A: His face.




Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?

A: Gennifer.




Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?

A: Put Janet Reno in charge.




Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?

A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.




Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?

A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.




Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?

A: "Trust me."




Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?

A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.




Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?

A: By the wise look in the eyes.




Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?

A: He's the stiff one.




Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.




Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None--He'll only promise "change."




Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.




Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!




Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they can't afford any more pork.




Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.




Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: They've been having turkey for years.




Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.




Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?

A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!




Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?

A: A dead girlfriend.




Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?

A: No fee--If No Recovery!




Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?

A: They were dating the same girl in high school.




Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?

A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.




Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?

A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.




Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?

A: Neither one is very bright.




Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?

A: Runs away from the draft.




Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?

A: He's got his jogging suit on.




Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?

A: The Dodgers.




Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?

A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.




Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?

A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.




Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?

A: For spare parts.




Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?

A: Now it's got two left wings.




Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?

A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.




Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?

A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.




Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?

A: Who cares!




Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?

A: Trying to save both faces.




Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?

A: The United States of America!




Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?

A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.




Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?

A: Heredity.




Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?

A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!




Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?

A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.




Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?

A: He turned into Hillary!




Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?

A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!




Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?

A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!




Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.




Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?

A: None. The democrats do that.




Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?

A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.




Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!




Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?

A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.




Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?

A: A noose.




Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?

A: Handcuffs.




Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?

A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.




Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?

A: A police lineup.




Q: What's a conservative?

A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.




Q: What is a conservative?

A: A liberal who's been mugged.




Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?

A: Chelsea.




Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?

A: They get elected.




Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?

A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?




Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?

A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.




Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

A: To tax the chicken.




Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?

A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.




Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?

A: When he's sworn in.




Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?

A: Depends on how many were photographed.




Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

A: To meet the chick.




Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?

A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.




Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?

A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.




Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?

A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.




Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?

A: Bill Clinton of course!




Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?

A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.



Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?

A: A mandate to govern.




Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?

A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.



Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?

A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!




Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?

A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"




Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?

A: He's afraid of the draft.




Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?

A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.




Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?

A: Koresh only burned 85 people.




Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?

A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.




Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?

A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.




Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.




Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?

A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.




Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?

A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.




Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?

A: When Hillary leaves town.




Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?

A: Yogurt has culture.




Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?

A: Highway 55.




Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?

A: He is stupid!




Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?

A: He keeps having to eat his words.




Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?

A: His heart stops bleeding.




Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?

A: T-A-T-E-R.




Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?

A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.




Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?

A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.




Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?

A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.




Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.




Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?

A: He's the stiff one.




Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?

A: Grade six.




Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?

A: Coffee.




Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?

A: Everything's $100.




Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?

A: To study economics.




Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?

A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.




Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?

A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.




Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.




Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?

A: To promote off-shore drilling.




Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?

A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.




Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?

A: They all make a living by lying to people.




Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?

A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.




Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?

A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.




Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?

A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".




Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

A: A competent liberal President.




Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?

A: "Good morning, Bill."




Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?

A: Unite the Republican Party.




Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?

A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.




Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?

A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.




Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?

A: When he married outside of his family.




Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?

A: Absolutely nothing.




Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?

A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.




Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?

A: Because he filed as head of the household.




Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?

A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.




Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.




Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?

A: Because they could spell it.




Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?

A: The whine cellar.




Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.




Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?

A: There is White-out on the screen.




Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?

A: There is writing on the White-out.




Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.




Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?

A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.




Q: How is Bill like a character actor?

A: When he shows character, he's acting.




Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?

A: Summer Solstice.




Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change.




Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?

A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.




Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?

A: "Over Here"




Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?

A: He came dressed as a two-term president.




Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?

A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.




Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?

A: Socialism is dead.




Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?

A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.




Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?

A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.




Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?

A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.




Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?

A: A water gate.




Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"

A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.




Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?

A: They both dominate Bills.




Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?

A: The Conners own their own home.




Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?

A: No one died in Watergate.




Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?

A: Oldielocks.




Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?

A: We have not ruled out military force.




Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?

A: A free stamp.




Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?

A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.




Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?

A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.




Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?

A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.




Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?

A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.




Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?

A: To attend D-Day celebrations.




Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?

A: A man without a clue.




Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?

A: He visited Oxford.




Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?

A: No class and no principals.




Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?

A: A pickpocket snatches watches.




Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?

A: They both have Bills that are losers.




Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?

A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.




Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?

A: John Elway.




Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?

A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.




Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?

A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.




Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?

A: They both became president without being elected.




Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?

A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.




Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?

A: An optimist.




Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?

A: Teddy Kennedy.




Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?

A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!




Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?

A: He thought he was in a confessional.




Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?

A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.




Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?

A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.




Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get away from Bill Clinton.




Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?

A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.




Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?

A: The White House.




Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?

A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.




Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?

A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.




Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?

A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.




Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?

A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.




Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?

A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.




Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?

A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!




Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign

A: A snow job.




Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?

A: No Job.




Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!




Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?

A: Vice-president of the United States.




Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?

A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!




Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?

A: Nothing . . . yet.




Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?

A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.




Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?

A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.