Holiday Jokes

Q: What do elves learn in school?



A: The Elf-abet!


Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

A: "Underwear AGAIN?!?!"




Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missletoe!




Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.




Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.




Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

A: So he can ho-ho-ho.




Q: Where do polar bears vote?

A: The North Poll.




Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

A: Ribbon hood.




Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?

A: Because it's to far to walk.




Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

A: Forty feet of track - all straight!




Q: What kind of bird can write?

A: A PENguin.




Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?

A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.




Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?

A: Sandy Claus!




Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

A: Fleece Navidad!




Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.




Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?

A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.




Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!




Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

A: Crisp Cringle.




Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.




Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?

A: Okay everyone, sack time!!




Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A: Snowflakes.




Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?

A: A subordinate claus.




Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?

A: He wanted to sleep like a log.




Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?

A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"




Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?

A: Santa caught in a revolving door!




Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

A: Because it " soots " him!




Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?

A: Pour Santa flush on him.




Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?

A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!




Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.




Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

A: Because every buck is dear to him.




Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?

A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"




Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?

A: She said: "I couldn't work out what size her nose was!"



Q: Olive ?

A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"




Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.




Q: Olive?

A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"




Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?

A: It was wound up already.




Q: What's a good holiday tip?

A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.