Marriage Jokes

The wife says: You want

The wife means: You want




The wife says: We need

The wife means: I want




The wife says: It's your decision

The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious




The wife says: Do what you want

The wife means: You'll pay for this later




The wife says: We need to talk

The wife means: I need to complain




The wife says: Sure... go ahead

The wife means: I don't want you to




The wife says: I'n not upset

The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron




The wife says: You're ... so manly

The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot




The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights

The wife means: I have flabby thighs.




The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient

The wife means: I want a new house.




The wife says: I want new curtains.

The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!




The wife says: I need wedding shoes.

The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.




The wife says: Hang the picture there

The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!




The wife says: I heard a noise

The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.




The wife says: Do you love me?

The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.




The wife says: How much do you love me?

The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.




The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.

The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.




The wife says: Am I fat?

The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.




The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.

The wife means: Just agree with me.




The wife says: Are you listening to me?

The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]




The wife says: Yes

The wife means: No




The wife says: No

The wife means: No




The wife says: Maybe

The wife means: No




The wife says: I'm sorry

The wife means: You'll be sorry




The wife says: Do you like this recipe?

The wife means: You better get used to it




The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish

The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.




The wife says: Was that the baby?

The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him




The wife says: I'm not yelling!

The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!




In answer to the question "What's wrong?"




The wife says: The same old thing.

The wife means: Nothing.




The wife says: Nothing.

The wife means: Everything.




The wife says: Nothing, really.

The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.




The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.

The wife means: I'm still building up steam.