State Jokes

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster




Maine: For Sale




Maine: You can spit on Canada from here




You Know You're in Maine:


If you own more than four pair of gloves.


If every other vehicle is a 4X4.


If camping is allowed it's only in steel sided campers.


If, when the sun goes down, you start looking for your coat.


If in March your vehicle is 43% mud.


If you leave your keys in your car and the next morning your car is still there.


If you're on the shoulder of the highway with your hood up and somebody stops to help you.


If you can pay for six big macs with a personal check.


If drive by shootings only occur on the evening news.


If your central heating system is fueled by large logs.


If you see numerous chauffeur-driven dogs.


If you can see the stars at night.


If people drive 100 miles to shop in a real mall.


If a deer throws itself under your wheels.


If you got a set of new snow tires for Valentines day.


If more than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.


If the term "chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.


If the bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.


If you only paid $5 to cut down your own douglas fir christmas tree.


If you enjoy a hot chocolate more than you do a margarita.


If a girls basketball game fill's the school gym.


If you put the car heater on your list of best friends.


If you pawned a snow blower instead of a set of golf clubs.


If dressing up means wearing a tie with your flannel shirt.


If you think you're in a traffic jam when you're in the second car at the light.


If you don't use your blinker because everyone already knows where you're going.


If your long john's don't come off until mid-May




Ten Dollahs

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."


and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."


So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."


Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."


So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."


They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.


He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."


And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!




Maine Winters

Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.


After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."




The Teethbrush

Research had been going on for many years in regard to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion about the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine.


Intrigued by the discovery, the media asked the researchers how they came to this conclusion.


The researchers all agreed that it was simple deduction: "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."




Maine Temperature Conversion Chart

60 above zero

New Yorkers try to turn on the heat....

People in Maine plant gardens.


50 above zero

Californians shiver uncontrollably.......

People in Maine sunbathe.


40 above

Italian cars won't start.....

People in Maine drive with the windows down.


32 above

Distilled water freezes.....

Moosehead Lak's water gets thicker (for non-Mainers, this is a lake in Maine)


20 above

Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.....

People in Maine throw on a sweatshirt.


15 above

New York landlords finally turn up the heat....

People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.


zero degrees

People in Miami cease to exist....

Mainers lick the flagpole.


-20 below

Californians fly away to Mexico....

People in Maine get out their winter coats.


-40 below

Hollywood disintergrates.....

The girl scouts in Maine begin selling cookies door to door.


-60 below

Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica

Maine's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.


-80 below

Mt. St. Helen's freezes...

People in Maine to ice skating or skiing.


-100 below

Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.....

Maine-iacs get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.


-297 below

Microbial life survives on dairy products....

Cows in Maine complain of farmers with cold hands.


-460 below

ALL atomic motion stops.....

People in Maine start saying..."Cold 'nuff for ya?"


-500 below

Hell freezes over......

The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl!




Computer Terms for Aroostook County (Northern Maine)

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter


2. Log off - Don't add no more wood


3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove


4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck


5. Floppy disk - What you get from downloading too much firewood


6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood


7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter


8. Prompt - What the US mail ain't in the winter


9. Window - What to shut when its cold outside


10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season


11. Byte - What the black flies do


12. Bit - What the black flies did


13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season


14. Chip - Munchies for TV


15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat chips


16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway


17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife


18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you nod off


19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonalds


20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery


21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerio box


22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully


23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine sweepstakes


24. Web - What a spider makes


25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling


26. Cursor - Someone who swears


27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies


28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen on the camp


29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods


30. Upgrade - Steep hill


31. Server - waitress


32. Mail Server - male waitress. Darn few in Maine


33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered


34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it


35 User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff


6. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry patch


37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet


38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair


39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network


40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week


41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground - better luck next week




Buying Houses

I have a friend in Maine who lives out in the country in a house he and his wife built. One day he was talking to his nephew and the following conversation ensued.


"Uncle, do people buy houses?"


"Yes."


"How do they get them home?"




Dumb Maine Laws

After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.

You may not step out of a plane in flight.

Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

Augusta

To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.

Portland

Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.






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