Animal Jokes

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment.

A. Fill in the blanks




1. [xxx] is not food.

Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved

jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry

detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote

controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my

house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty

Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans;

fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes

hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey

packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and

other thin plastic things.




2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].

Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend;

mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the

conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to

impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.




3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.

The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects

(even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote

control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine;

large patterns on wallpaper;




4. [xxx] is not a toy.

The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted

iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean);

aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows

and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie

pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's

ferrets.




5. I will not chew the [xxx].

Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard

around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen

cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle

even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new

saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.




6. I will not bark at [xxx].

Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is

parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which

was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly

noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air

from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it

go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even

if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just

pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out

in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire

hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the

answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid

under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on;

absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).




7. I will not dig [xxx].

Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it

collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it;

under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a

swimming pool in the back yard;