Food Jokes

By Barbara Florio Graham

From McCall's, June, 1983




I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:




avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;


split a large combination pizza with three friends;


think Oreo cookies are for kids;


nibble cashews one at a time;


think that doughnuts are indigestible;


read books they have to hold with both hands;


become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;


fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;


counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;


exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;


lose their appetites when they're depressed;


think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;


save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;


throw out stale potato chips;


will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;


think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;


don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;


warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;


try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;


find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;


get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;


have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;


think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;


bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;


think banana splits are for kids.