After many unhappy replies from our current
vending service we decided that what they
really needed was a different form letter
that was more closely tied to their true
feeling:

        BFD Vending Service

Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints
about our vending service.

___ We are aware that _____________ machine
has not been stocked in _____ days.
  __ We are waiting for the weekend.
  __ We are out of items that have expired.
  __ We're busy, don't bother us about this.
  __ We don't care.

___ We are aware that the price for _______
seems high at $_______ but,
  __ we have to make a living.
  __ we use an algorithm 3*retail+your_age.
  __ we charge others more.
  __ we adjust it to allow for spoilage.

___ We are aware that
  __ the sodas are warm
  __ the milk is curdled
  __ sandwiches are stale
  __ gum is hard
  __ candy bars are petrified
     and assure you that that is
     the way it is supposed to be, really.

___ We understand that
  __ the bill changer can't,
  __ coin return won't,
  __ product selection doesn't,
     and believe that
  __ you should relax, it all evens out.
  __ learn to live with it.
  __ bring in your own change next time.
  __ be happy it gave you anything.
  __ quit eating so much junk food.

Thank you and Happy Eating.