Some supposedly true courtroom quotations. Let's hope we never wind up with any of these people defending us!


LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

LAWYER: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan

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LAWYER: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

LAWYER: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

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LAWYER: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

LAWYER: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?

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LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

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LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I"m going with male.

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LAWYER: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished..

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LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.